uPSIDE dOWN and HEAVY hearted

    I miss my dad.
    I woke up on October 20th to find my life had turned upside down.  My wonderful dad, Max Rich, passed away from a heart attack the night before.  I am so full of mixed emotions about it;  sorrow, anger, guilt, regret, confusion, and disbelief.  The morning of the 20th replays in my head over and over like a broken record.  I seriously thought it was a really bad nightmare.  Even as I was packing our things to drive to Boise, I felt like I was in a really strange, bad nightmare and that I must be sleepwalking.  Even now, 2 weeks later, it doesn't feel real.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that he is no longer around.  It just doesn't make sense.
    Although I am having all of these feelings, I do believe that my dad has moved on and has important work to do.  I would have loved to see his face as he reunited with his mom & dad.  I believe that it was his time to go, even though I don't necessarily agree with it.  I believe that Heavenly Father needs him to do a great work on the other side, and that makes me want to work hard and be more purposeful here on earth so I can be with him again.  I think that my dad never realized how many lives he touched, he wasn't the most confident fellow.  I enjoyed being able to give his life sketch at the funeral, even though it was incredibly difficult.  I loved being able to remind people about why they loved him.  He was so awesome!!!  What a cool guy. I really miss him.
     As I find myself in this new discombobulated state, I have to try to accept my new reality.  It is a very strange place to find yourself.  I am so thankful for a husband who is so empathetic and compassionate.  He unfortunately understands what this feels like, and I feel badly that I wasn't more understanding towards him before. I had no idea the depth of emotions that follow such a life changing experience.  I am thankful for my sweet mom.  She is so sad.  I know that she has a testimony of Heavenly Father's plan of salvation, as do I, which gives her strength, but I know that sometimes, it's hard to rely on faith alone.  She was able to enjoy nearly 35 years of marriage to her funny sweetheart.  I worry about her and I am so sad about not living near her right now, but I know that she is well watched over and has lots of love and support surrounding her.  I am so proud of her and I know that dad is too.  I am so thankful for my siblings and miss them and their families terribly.  I am homesick for Boise and still have not figured out why we were meant to move north, but I have faith that because we did what we felt was right, we will be blessed.  I am thankful for the amazing time mom & dad were able to spend together over the last 2 months, and rediscover each other.  What a gift.
    The two things I have taken away from this experience so far are, first, to be more compassionate and kind to others. I had no idea what such a tragedy felt like, and I regret not being more compassionate to what others may have been feeling.  I will be more compassionate, kind, less sarcastic, more loving.  The second thing I have learned is to really make the most of my time here.  This has really put my life in perspective. I will focus more inward, on my family, and less outward - on trying to impress people and please people and take on too much.  I want to spend every minute of my life with my sweet family.  I know that there are other responsibilities, but I just want to be with them.  To not waste any precious time with any of them.
     Thanks for all the love and support and kindness.  I can't wait to see my dad again.