Woahhh.....Nelly, again.

Here is my 2nd WOAH, NELLY of the week:

This evening as I sat down to watch Kimball's soccer practice, I got a text from my mom with these pictures.  Totally unexpected.  My dad's headstone was installed today.  It looks nice.  If you can't see it very clearly (here's where I get totally sidetracked and describe in lengthy and long-winded detail the design of the headstone.  Keep reading...I eventually get back on track) - the picture on the main side is of two trees with leaves falling from them among the names.  My favorite memory of the funeral day (probably the only fond one I can conjure) is when we were caravanning behind the hurse along Hill Road toward the cemetery, and all of a sudden hundreds of yellow aspen leaves began swirling above the road.  It was truly magical.  Everyone commented on how beautiful a moment it was when they arrived at the gravesite.  We all had the feeling that it was dad wiggling the trees to offer us a final farewell.  Oddly, I had off and on that entire week felt his presence around me, and after that experience, not so much.  I felt like he had to get to work and he was saying goodbye.  We had discussed what kind of scene we wanted put on the headstone, probably some sort of nature scene with a bear standing over a river (to capture my dad's insane and all-encompassing love of bears), and the only thing I could think about was that amazing moment of pure beauty I experienced that day.  I'm glad we decided on that for the design (although you'll notice on the other side we stuck a bear on for good measure).  Everyone that visits can think back and remember that moment.

So, back to the unexpected text.  The weird part about seeing it is that I didn't get all sad like I thought I would.  Especially since I was caught off-guard.  I've thought about what this moment might be like for a little while (since the installation began weeks ago, it was only a matter of time for the finished product to be complete) and really expected myself to be upset at the sight of the official monument.  Maybe because I'm not seeing the actual thing, but instead of feeling sad it has become more "normal" feeling to think about my dad being gone.  I wondered when this feeling would start showing it's face.  I'm glad in a way.  I don't want to be sad all the time when I think about him.  I want to be happy and be able to picture his goofy faces and hear in my mind his silent belly chuckle.  It is, of course, sad.  But not a "how could this happen" or "this can't be true" sad.  It's evolved into a "I sure miss that guy" and "I loved it when he did _____" sort of happy-sad.  I've even gotten over the every-song-on-the-radio-makes-me-weep-like-a-baby phase.  That one was miserable.  Not that I'm declaring the END of an era.  I am still going to allow myself moments to tearfully miss him and get misty at a song every so often.  I'm sure that those moments will never really be gone.  I wouldn't want them to be, but it's nice to know that I don't have to go walking around with a little storm-cloud over my head all the time.  So, WOAH, NELLY.  Miss you dad.  Nice headstone.  I think you'd like it (oh, and don't let mom fool you...the leaves were my idea). :)